i wish i could come home to smiles and laughter
instead of a pair of eyes glaring steadily at me
and a face blacker than the night.

i know i seem to be simply vanishing and slipping away
like this butterfly thats simply fluttering aimlessly around
but i know where my heart is
and i havent forgotten home.
you cant keep me hidden behind your apron strings forever
you lost that privillage the minute you left me defenseless and alone in this jungle to fend for myself.
i am only just begining to spread my wings and discover for myself what this world can be like.
don't clip them again and shove me back into the cage.

meng : a thousand apologies. i owe you BIG time. make it up. i PROMISE.

my birkes are HERE.
can you sense my happiness and hear me screaming out for joy
and see the light shining from my eyes??
Wee~

this is a perfectly random bimobtic shallow and irrelavant post.
unfortunately i am feeling particularly inarticulate at this present moment
and am unable to pin point the thoughts that are swimming around in my head
and string them into coherent sentances.

caught the most adorable pufferfish last night
which we unfortunately had to let go.
had loads of fun making it bloat up.
wish i had pitures but the phone was out cold due to my negligence in forgetting to charge the battery.
typically me.

sea..sand...stars.
friends.
if only life could remain this good.

currently where i spend my mornings.
slicing oranges, strawberries and a whole host of other fruits.
blending protein drinks for the morning crowd that slowly trickles in.
my feet are killing me though.
they were not made for standing

seraphina -- [adjective]: Sexually stunning 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

i just couldnt resist this.
hilarious.

we cant help who we fall in love with

if i could only have one memory...i would have picked that.
those few minutes with your bursting out in spontaneous laughter
bent over holding your sides
the gleam in your eyes
thats the picture that i always want to keep with me.
gift from the sister
my handphone accessory that i finally got down to getting.
aint it just so cute??

drunk.
on the night...the sea...laughter..vodlka..smoke and mindless conversation.
drunk and high from the terrible lack of sleep.
still gloriously savouring every moment...taste...smell and sensation nontheless.
fishing last night.
jule's virgin experience which got all of us in fits of laughter.
commendable effort eventually saw him with a little catch of his own to end the night.

man of letters today was simply lovely.
despite heavy leaden eyes i stared transfixed at the stage my jaw ajar for just about the whole performance.
was totally immeresed in the play and transported back to the post war singapore struggle where you feel the revolutionary fire burning inside you
and i cant help but marvel at the state of political indifference the nation is currently in.
the zeal and passion have seemingly evaporated into nothingness.

saw this parked outside UCC.
absolutely cute and vintage.
its like right out of the 50s.
this was parked outside UCC
so cute right?

at some point in time we all lie to ourselves.
we delude ourselves into believing that this world is a wonderful happy place
simply because it becomes to only way to make it from one day to the next.
however, as much as you can run, you cant hide.
it seeks you out and finds you somehow
and you wake up in the morning with tears streaming down your cheeks
hand cold and clammy
and a heart that is racing.
the mind's images are the most vivid as each scene plays out before your eyes
and you find yourself incapable of turning away but instead having to live through the whole ordeal.

the pain is real.
as much as you lie and wish to believe otherwise..
it wont let you forget.

*update.
was depressed till i saw this in the mail...which cheered me up.
"Dear customer,
your order of Birkenstock articles has been
shipped yesterday with DHL."
see its not that hard to make me happy.

had a corny poem but decided against it because it simply sounded childish and insanely pathetic.

thinking about many things right now
countless thoughts like this whirlwind swirling around in my head
multi coloured confetti in the wind
hurled in every imaginable direction
and you're some where suspended in the middle of it all in the eye of the storm
everywhere but yet no where.

for that brief moment i believed.
but you just had to prove me wrong.
again.

you're only ever too tired for me.

a wise man once said, "you can have anything in life if you can sacrifice everything else for it." what he meant is, nothing comes without a price. so before you go into battle you better decide how much you are willing to lose.
too often, going after what feels good, means letting go of what you know is right. and lettting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building.
of cos, the toughest sacrifices are the ones you don't see coming.
when we dont have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or measure the potential loss... when that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around...thats when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.
-meredith grey

today is a fulfilling day.
gym. latino jam. rehearsals...
evening with guang and shaun at ben and jerrys.
totally by chance
and definitely the highlight of the day.
been deprived of my love for much too long.(:
tummy's feeling awful though.
i suspect its too much chilli at dinner time.

and the void between us just grows.
with everything that we do not say..
filling up with the immense silence.
i search my brain but it draws a blank
and i cant help but wonder
when did we begin to turn our backs away.

you are my mac dreamy


4367853 years later i have finally got my ass down to getting them
now i shall be counting down the days till my babys arrive in the mail.
though i can still hear the sizzling sound in my pocket and smell the burning cloth
i have decided that i dont give a shite.
retail therapy is always a good thing.

my feet are insanely blistered
believe they are crying out to be treated better.
guess thats a sign that i should be getting new shoes.
i still cant decide between birkes or tevas.
opinions anyone?
they would be greatly appreciated.

i have just got a new toy.(:
a phone and music player (thanks to 1gb mini SD)
and perhaps to a certain extent camera..
all into one.
thank you
even though i am so underserving.

blogger's taking forever to load tonight
not sure if its a server problem or my internet connection so WTH

well today marks the start of my keep fit program
that means a proper diet
no more junk and stupid food
(that means snacks, biscuits, chocolates and ice-cream
sobs..can you feel my pain?)
and well eating instead of simply pinching food.
did i mention no bread too?
thats like the greatest sacrifice ever.

got my cali membership together with lijie today
motivation to get started on this very serious "burn fat" project.
i am honestly about to turn into this round ball
so this is like major emergency rescue.
i have to say that the place looks gorgeous though.
looking forward to my steam bath and sauna

faint drizzle as light raindrops fall
glistening as they got caught by the glow of the street lamp
tucked comfortably behind a long tables
laughter and chatter over seafood and wine
personal embarassing moment that is going to be swept under the carpet for life.
pool
late night tim sum.
indeed.
it was a lovely night.

come to think of it, thats actually the first time i've headed out and spent and evening with a group of people from school
and for lack of a wider vocabulary
and in as much as i do not propogate the use of this word,
it was nice.
plainly simply directly put.
no flourishes
just, nice.

i got tagged by rach
those who are interested are more than welcome to continue this discussion about LOVE is in all its splendor
or whatever other cynical view you might have.

please do.
spread the word

what is love?

according to the oxford dictionary:

love (n)
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair.

love...lust...how then would you know the difference...

on the surface, the answer to the question seems glaringly simple.
instinctively, as human beings. we all yearn for love.
for that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you are together, the way you light up at the sound of the persons voice and the fire of joy that burns within you.
the care, the constant attention..of knowing that someone out there is thinking about you.

but really, is there all there is to it?

at sunday school, i learnt, that god is love. that jesus is love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud./It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs./Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth./It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres./Love never fails.
1cor 13:4-8

not that i am trying to be holy, but to me, this is what love is. difficult as it may seem to live up to all the expectations, it encompasses all that i can ask for and all that i could give.

love has become superficial and merely a physical attraction. all we remember are the happy moments in pictures. but we forget the pain and tears and work that takes us from one smile to the next. now love lasts for as long as there is laughter and we blame its absence for our tears. thats not love. its infatuation that has deluded you into believing that you are in love.

i say love is there through both the sun and rain, and its presence never stronger than when we feel that its gone. we are simply so caught up in ourselves and the pain and sorrow that we are just looking at the door that has closed and ignoring the glaring light that is shining in from that open window.

holding on..hoping and believing even when everything seems impossible- thats what love is.
to trust even though everyone has turned away, cowering in fear- thats what love is.
to give of all of yourself...all that you have and still be willing to offer more. never once expecting anything in return- thats what love is.

we always say that love is not enough.
it is.
as long as you first understand the meaning of pain, scarifice, compromise and understanding.
i dont deny that love is a beautiful thing.
but even the most gorgeous of paintings took years of hard struggle to reach completion and perfection.

sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
meredith grey

i can finally say that its over.
no more sitting at a pathetic desk bent over in concentration scribbling furiously away
no more nagging feeling of incompleted work and upcoming papers at the back of my mind
no more late nights as i try frantically to squeeze whatever little piece of information i can into my already oversaturated and puny little brain.
its the end.
its over.
schools out.
say hello to the summer holidays.

ironical since its raining cats and dogs everyday on the streets.
and sad because of all times to fall ill,
i have chosen now.

things rarely turn out the way you want them to

for you i have given up everything and more. but yet somehow i know, that it will never be enough

struggling to keep my eyelids open and my mind focused on the black ink across the white sheets of paper sprawled across my desk
willing my mind to decipher understand and remember the graphs and equations that seem so foreigh to me.
wishing that the phone would ring.

unprepared could not even begin to describe the state that i am currently in.
paper on friday.
this is the start of the end of my life.

just experimenting to see if this works. trying to blog from my dashboard.
and well finally got my comments link up so people TAG me. (:

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."
meredith grey

words are hard to find
because i am afraid that when i speak them or write them
the beauty of everything will be lost
and i will have to wake up and shake myself off this wonderful feeling of intoxication and bliss.
my straddling life with one foot in my own grave
living it out on the very edge
knowing that any moment could be the last